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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Buffet

The Buffet is a kind of restaurant.

Here dishes are placed in metal trays under heating lamps, like so:

Thanks to the heating lamps, food can be left out for a very long time. Whenever the supply of food in one of the trays gets low, an employee comes and pours more food into the old tray.

If the food is left unattended for an extended period, an employee comes and stirs the food so it doesn't coagulate. Here is an employee doing just that:

Food quality is rarely the primary selling-point for a typical buffet patron. This is because most buffets offer an "All You Can Eat" deal, where the customer pays for entry into the buffet and then is allowed to consume as much food as he or she wants.

At the buffet, customers determine their own portions. There is a ladle in each tray, and customers can spoon out as much as they can carry. They can return to the trays as many times as they wish.

Recently, I have become concerned with the handles of the ladles. Everyone touches them, and I wonder if everyone is as scrupulous in washing their hands as I am. I now place a napkin between my hand and the ladle, just to be safe.

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Modern Bathroom

We now have seats for our bowel movements. They are usually sparkling white, like this one:

As far as I can tell, this has not been done for comic effect.

We have these, too:

Soft paper we use to wipe the excrement from us.

More curious still is the object to the left.  A waxy screen, placed over the rim of the toilet. This is to protect us from any stray bacteria left by earlier visitors. I use one every time.

A simple lightbulb no longer suffices. We now have mood lighting:

It lends the process an ambiance which would be absent otherwise. Often, speakers play adult contemporary music at a volume that is audible but unobtrusive.

Perhaps we have brought additional amenities into the modern bathroom, and perhaps they need electricity. This possibility, too, has been foreseen:

The need is met by an extra light socket.

The most unsavory moment of your day can now be savored.


This is an unfinished self-portrait:

I got really high one day and the image wouldn't leave my mind. I had to paint it. It is the only painting I have ever attempted.

This is not what I actually look like.

It scares the shit out of me.

The Llama

This is the fucking llama. I found it for a dollar. I thought it was hilarious. It has since grown to haunt me. It stares with sad eyes, unblinking.

I cannot escape its gaze. I wonder if the artist wanted to elicit sympathy. For what?

The plight of the animal.

I, too, am subject to the plight of the animal.

But I can also frame one and put it in my living room.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A dog cannot drive a car.

The dog sits before the wheel anyway.

See the dog, sitting before the wheel:
It shows no sign of anxiety. It is not aware that it will die. It does not know the danger it would be in were the car to start. It does not know the danger in which others would be placed. It bears no moral responsibility for the lives of others in such a situation. Its obliviousness protects it.

The wheel is another bright curiosity in a wilderness of curiosities.

Urban Legend #2

A man on acid.

What he sees:

The sudden appearance of a mountain. Perhaps like this one:

What he does:

He spends days climbing the mountain. It is a long and beautiful journey. At the top of the mountain he finds God. He talks to God briefly, then jumps off the mountain.

What his friends see:

The man gets on the roof of his house. There he finds a flying disc, which he talks to for four hours. He then jumps off the roof of his house and breaks both legs.

Absurd Confession #2

Found in a bathroom on a Wyoming highway. I was deeply moved at the sight of this.

The whole of human sorrow in this sign. They have to clean the trash out. Some poor soul has to wade through shit to remove trash.

"It is extremely difficult..."

Isn't it, though?

Absurd Confession #1

From the moment I saw it, I was consumed.

A fire hydrant, huge, in the middle of a nearly empty strip mall. About four feet tall, it came up to my chest. Shimmering red in the noonday sun.

I had to piss on it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Urban Legend #1

Halloween. A group of friends. A healthy dose of magic mushrooms. A car.

The friends are driving along, starting to peak, balking at the spectacle of everything. One of them notices a garden gnome.

Do you guys see that garden gnome?

They do.

What the fuck?

They stop the car to inspect the garden gnome. It talks. They get out of the car to talk to the garden gnome. It's incredibly sweet. They make friends. They invite the garden gnome to come with them and it does.

They return home. Stoned revelry ensues. They put the garden gnome in the closet to rest for the night and all go to bed.

They wake up. They're eating breakfast and one of them remembers.

Do you remember that garden gnome last night?

Indeed they do. They open the closet door, curious. There's a four-year-old girl inside. They're prosecuted for kidnapping.